I guess we’re all annoying in our own special ways. As a friend once said, ‘If you can’t tell who the ass is in your group, it’s probably you’.
But here are some of the characters I’ve ridden with over the years – I’m sure you’ve encountered some of these types; some are bothersome and some just make me laugh:
The Short Hammer
You setup a ride with a compatible group. Semi-epic, 80 miles of dirt and pavement with 5000 feet of climbing. The Short Hammer shows up and sets a blistering pace from the start. I think ‘Joe is feeling good today – I’ll try to keep up’ Then at mile 20 he bails for home. ‘That was fun, but I’ve got the kids today’. So, he just about killed us all with his personal TT and now I’m struggling to finish the ride. Next time tell us at the start Joe, so we don’t ride your ride.
The Can’t Ride That Bike Dude
Tom needs to borrow a bike, so I accommodate him with my old hardtail mountain bike. It works fine but it’s a few years older than the bike he just left in the shop. The entire ride he tells me how much faster he would be on his bike. The seat hurts, he hasn’t ridden flat pedals since he was a kid. ‘What? it’s not tubeless? So much less efficient’. ‘It’s heavy, it has old school geometry, narrow bars – how do you ride this thing?’
Billy likes his music, especially from a narrow window of time when he went to high school in the 80’s. Thanks to Bluetooth speakers he can listen to the same tracks every single ride and share them with everyone around. Can I listen to my favorite nature tracks instead?
The Head-Down Racer
Louis sees every ride as a race. No looking at the view, no chats, no re-groups. It’s all business. Does he stop for hikers? No, that might affect his Strava time. Does he stop for uphill riders? No, he’ll just swerve off the trail and ride around them.
The Faffer is the rider who is constantly adjusting and fixing his bike, clothes, helmet, phone, etc. before, during, and after the ride. You might ride by his place at the agreed time and find out he’s working on a ‘minor fix’ like a Bottom Bracket replacement and will be ready to go in ‘a couple minutes’. You wait a half hour and are on the road – but wait – ‘I forgot to put fresh Stan’s in that front tire, and it’s bone dry’. You head back and he has to search for the tire levers, sealant, and valve core removal tool. 15 minutes later you’re about to head off, but ‘I’m going to grab a quick bite – do you want anything’. After a few pancakes (excellent of course) and a latte, you would be ready to finally head out to the trails if only it wasn’t getting dark.
The Trail Worker
I love people who build and maintain the trails. But, if we’re going on a ride together let me know ahead of time that you’re planning to stop to dig out drains, clear downed trees, put up trail signs, and re-route that ‘short’ 100-yard section that floods once a year.
The Dog Trainer
I love dogs! But if your dog isn’t trail-worthy and is going to weave in and out of my wheels, please leave Spot at home or we will both end up at the Vet.
Magellan shows up at the trailhead with paper maps, the Gaia GPS app, a Garmin, and the will to check all 3 at every intersection. ‘Dude’, I say, ‘We’ve ridden this area for 5 years, there are no new trails, there’s only 15 miles of them, and we’ve never gotten lost – what’s up?’ ‘Well I’m trying to update my database so we can create better loops’.
Steve shows up at that epic ride I mentioned at the top with his buddy from high school. ‘Super-good athlete but he hasn’t ridden a bike in ages – I’m sure he’ll be OK.’ Well, I’m not so sure. I haven’t played basketball since middle school and I don’t show up at your pickup game – don’t show up at my ride with an unknown quantity.
Josh is a great rider and environmentalist. He rides hard and does almost all his trips by bike. I try to shop and run errands by bike, too, so we’re pretty lined up. But seriously, Josh, please don’t shop during that epic ride, and ‘No, I won’t watch your bike for 10 minutes while you try on some shirts’.
Steve work a lot. He’s on a flexible schedule which means he’s always on call. Since he’s in Sales and dependent on commissions, he always answers the phone. ‘Man – just send it to voicemail’, I say. ‘Can’t – this is the big Acme deal – I have to take it – it will just be a minute’. 30 minutes later and I’m expecting a piece of the commission, but if I’m lucky he might buy me a beer.
I have to ‘fess up. I think I’ve been guilty of just about all this behavior at one time (well you’ll never find me with Bluetooth speakers), so you may not want to include me on your next ride.